While mother’s day has always been a favorite day for me, the older I get, the more I appreciate the incredible awesomeness of what I love most in my life.
The moment they are born, everything you thought you knew, expected, or wanted changes. That moment you are responsible for another life, and that life comes with an overwhelming flow of love, life, as you know it has shifted. This is apparently not a revelation to any mom out there, but rather a universal truth.
When my oldest daughter was born, I was fiercely independent and driven. I was clear on what I wanted and what I wanted for her. I would have never dreamt that things would ever go differently from the high expectations I created. While some visions remained, and I am often floored that my daughters far exceeded any expectations I had of them, there were many times I was blindsided by things that I just never knew.
I never knew that I would learn so much more from them than anything I had ever experienced or accomplished in my life. Another universal truth I guess.
When they were very young, it was hard to imagine that there would ever be a day that I wasn’t their world. Even though I had many dreams and desires for them, I couldn’t imagine a time when things would shift for them.
Looking back, one thing I didn’t expect was how things would shift for me. As life became busier, and in trying to get it all in, I started taking less time for me. This is not only a mom thing, but women naturally take care of things in their lives at the expense of themselves.
The less you take care of you; the way you feel about yourself also changes. Not only do other people feel the change, your kids who are emotionally linked with you feel it on a deeper level.
While it’s possible to give them the direction they need to become the people they were destined to be when you feel you are also not also deserving of that direction they will begin to dismiss you. A feeling far removed from when you were everything to them.
The feeling happens gradually, on both sides. In the same manner, you will not always notice their growth as quickly as others who have not seen them for a while, you don’t notice gradual feelings of change either.
Your children need to feel you are the same person as you always were, or they will begin to treat you to the exact level you think about yourself. Then because you are also emotionally aligned with them, and you feel this, the cycle continues. The only way to turn it around is to increase how you take care of yourself.
They need you to believe in you as much as you believe in them, or they will turn to others for support. They will dismiss the things you had always enjoyed together, and find something that better suits them now. Good or bad, they will see you exactly as you see yourself.
As they move away from home, it is even more important to retain or regain that secure sense of self to keep the relationship strong.
When my self-esteem was at it’s worst, and I felt I was at the lowest point of my life, I could feel that my kids didn’t want to be with me either. The people I cared about the most, and that closeness that was most important to me, were dismissing me.
If you are determined to get back to the core of you and live your life the way you dreamed it could be, including being an active participant in the lives of your children, it’s possible. As you work on yourself from a core level, your confidence and clarity begin to grow, and you will gradually feel the change in them too.
As you step into this person and increase your feelings self-certainty along with actively going after your own interests without the care of judgment, your kids also gradually step up to that closeness.
Gradually and unspoken, the most important people in your life accept you and want to be with you.
My daughters, both in there early 20’s, and I are closer than ever. Whatever part of mother’s day that brings you meaning, I wish you an extraordinary day!