How did I get here?
Sitting up against the bathroom floor, my daughter draped over my legs as I rubbed her back. She was sick again. Another day this week she was home from school. Two days last week and the week before. It was always the same, coughing and vomiting. The doctors said it was a cold. A cold that lasted for years that never let up. Un showered, and feeling frustrated as I held her with love. I couldn’t help but think, how did I get here?
It was just a few years back that I was thriving in my career. I was making a name for myself, and feeling empowered by my growth and success. I was in love and empathic for this little girl. She and her sister were my priorities now. I was going to do what needed to be done to make sure she was ok, and they both lived extraordinary lives. But still the question remained, how did I get here?
It seemed that giving it all took a lot more than I had anticipated. It took my confidence, self-esteem and my basic identity that I had spent a lifetime building. I didn’t understand these new feelings that left me with very little of the old me.
I also didn’t understand that people treat you in exact proportion to how you feel about yourself. It is an unspoken thing. I could feel the change and it further pushed me into despair, and anger began to fill my world. This anger was not from or for my children; they were the bright lights in my life, but anger that resulted from guilt and blame of others things out of my control and it filled my world.
So here I am years later, sitting in a hotel room with my heart full of intense gratitude completely in love with my life, and I am still asking the same question, how did I get here?
The story never changed, yet I am light years away from the feelings of that day. Today, I feel younger, stronger, healthier, and completely excited and almost in awe of how my life transformed and what’s ahead. Other than my daughters grew up, not much more physically changed.
The things that angered me in the past certainly never changed, you can’t change what has already happened. The only thing that changed is the way I looked at it.
Today I am overwhelming grateful for experiences that made me who I am. So, I changed the feelings of anger to gratitude for the lesson. I am thankful for so much in my life.
The difficulties in my childhood that pushed me to the heights I climbed
The relationships I witnesses that drove me to my husband
The manner in which I was raised taught me what I did and did not want for my own children.
My daughter’s illness taught me empathy and understanding for sickness and gratitude for health.
Living far away from my children instills in me the power of being present in the moments I am with them
Losing the feelings of confidence and identity helps me to understand the importance of self worth
Feeling anguish and overwhelm during life’s transitions helps me to understand how other women feel in similar situations.
This list goes on into infinity.
I am still asking the same question, how did I get here? How did I get to these new heights of happiness, family, career and outlook? How did I go from despair to enlightenment when nothing really changed?
I looked at it differently. I decided to appreciate the people and the moments that made me, me. Instead of heartache from the past, I choose to allow it to empower me instead of take it away.
Nothing has changed and yet everything has changed, and looking back, I wouldn’t change a thing.
It is always the simplest shifts that make the biggest changes.